Time Remembered

“Time remembered is grief forgotten

Algernon Charles Swinburne from the poem Atalanta in Calydon

Time is in its essence abstract and transient, difficult to grasp and impossible to hold onto.

Everyday we rush through time, forgetting that each moment past will never be again. We live, we laugh, we love, we pass through time without thinking about the impact that our choices today will have on our lives tomorrow.

Important events in life, both good and bad, cause  time to take on a whole different dimension. It slows down or speeds past in a  most alarming way. Moments become hours, or milliseconds, imprinting visual pictures indelibly on our minds.

Pictures which can either haunt us with bad memories or delight with memories of joy and laughter.

How do we, I, you, anyone replace the haunting pictures with ones that bring joy and peace?

This is a question I have been struggling with for the past nine months since my husband took his own life and I was the one to find him on the bathroom floor.

I close my eyes and I see the blood, the gun, his feet in his favourite shoes, parts of his favourite sweater and in my mind I run. I run as far away as I can. I run away from the picture, I run and try to hide in my own mind from that corner where the picture is stored, only to find myself back there again.

I relive the shock, the disbelief, the anger and the grief again and again.

I relive the feelings of abandonment and betrayal.

I relive the moments, of chaos both in my mind and the minds of others around me.

I relive the exhaustion both physically and emotionally of packing up and moving  from our family home.

I relive the feelings of being uprooted from what I thought was my life and what was normal in my life.

I relive the feelings of loosing a husband, a friend, someone I thought I was going to grow old with.

To the outside world, I live a seemingly “normal” life. I go to work, I laugh, I eat, I sleep.  I visit friends and family, make new memories and new pictures in my mind.  I learn new skills and try to build a new life with a new normal.

Yet……….. Deep down I know I will never be the same again.

I will always carry that moment in time that changed my whole life with me. I will always carry the gap it left in my life. I will always carry the questions with no answers, the feelings with no cure.

I can only strive  to reach a point in my life where:

Time remembered will be grief forgotten”

Even if only for a short while.

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3 thoughts on “Time Remembered

  1. I hope that writing about your completely understandable feelings of betrayal, grief, and anger helps you along this long and lonely path. I wish there were words I could offer you to help, but I know there are not. One of my best friends endured the suicide by gunshot of her husband when her two children were small. It took a year for her just to believe that it had really happened at all.

    • Thank you. Yes it is a long and lonely road that only I can travel. Writing my feelings down helps me to understand myself better. Maybe one day I can help someone else along the way.

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